Jacob, 28, kind of a writer, playing for the other team, like to pretend my boots & I are vegan.
Go ahead and ask
If it’s a friend messaging me, it’s always a girlfriend being quirky, never a guyfriend:
“Hey, I have this friend, Jake. I don’t know if he’s into banging guys who look like him but if you go out, some people might fantasize that you are. Banging. Oh wait! You’re my friend, Jake.”
He just kept talking about his personal struggle with weight loss from five years ago. He asked if I’d ever been fat and looked very repulsed when I said, “I had kind of a belly once.”
His weakness was doughnuts. He talked a lot about doughnuts.
I left and went straight to the nearest doughnut shop and 4 raspberry filled doughnuts later…
…I may have kind of a belly again.
Cute 22 year old guy took me out…and kept calling me old.
“But you look hot for 28.”
He looked cute for someone buying me lunch and drinks.
And then he kept checking his phone:
“Sorry, babe, we can’t leave and hook up yet…waiting for my check to clear. Unless…you can pay?”
Babe? Hook up? Pay?
I’m so stuffed and a tipsy from everything I kept ordering to eat up his check before it cleared.
OKCupid gets one more week then I will accept that the universe is clearly speaking.
OKCupid makes me feel like one of those guys who’s attractive until he opens his mouth.
I get all the visits until I reply or start the conversation.
But I do pretty great in real life soooo maybe I’m attractive until I type?
Date-blocking fingers. Shame!
Maybe some would regret telling their bored barista that they’re having a coffee date with someone, especially when it’s kind of obvious that someone isn’t coming.
But she’s kind of funny.
No, that old man is not my date. No, that teenage girl is not my date. No, the shih tzu in that lady’s purse is not my date.
I keep checking OKCupid and my phone to make sure he didn’t leave a message, checking his photos to make sure I haven’t missed him.
Unless he was using fake photos and he is the shih tzu.
If he is my date, he could’ve run a paw through his hair at least. Mangy. He. Looks. Mangy.
I may rethink this opening message to guys on OKCupid:
“Hi. I see that we have a high match but what kind of violence/public-shaming is associated with a 10% or less enemy rating, though?”
They either never respond or I never reply to their response with a great reply…which leads them to never respond again.
So there should be a 4th percentage score on OKCupid for how likely it will be that in two messages or less you will be a total slut and ask me to hookup.
I would show up with a higher percentage on sweet guys with beards.
A lower percentage on all of the guys who asked me to hookup with them in messages.
It’s been 36 hours, OKCupid. Where’s the Love of My Life?