At a family birthday celebration where my 63-year-old mom is basically the youngest except for me and some great-grandkids who are starting kindergarden tomorrow.
A second cousin: So, Jake - when are you gonna get married?
Me: (all face) Whaaaaa?
2nd C: 28's almost over-the-hill. You gotta get married soon.
His wife: He and I met when we were 29, so you've got time.
Me: I think the expiration date on men is a little later. Haha.
Random woman: Sell by and buy by are opposites.
Me: (all face) wtf?
Diff cousin (distant): Shouldn't you be moving to Massachusetts or Canada or something to start looking for a husband?
Someone idk: Oh is his girlfriend there?
Diff C: HUSBAND. He's got to get GAY married.
SIDK: What? I didn't hear.
Diff C: GAY. MARRIED.
2nd SIDK: I knew he was gay. Pay up.
3rd SIDK: Yeah he looks too good in purple.
Mom: He might have a boyfriend. He slips out a lot in the middle of the night.
Me: (Slowly sipping from a tiny punch cup the entire time wanting all of the hearing aids to die.)